Stop Explaining To The Narcissist!
I know, easier said than done... If you read this Article, you’ll understand narcissism a bit more, I’m sure of it…
Possibly one of the hardest things for a narcissist’s loved ones to learn is how to stop explaining.
It’s a natural response, but it’s also the exact wrong response with a narcissist.
Here I will detail why that is, and what to do instead.
Why it Doesn’t Work
Narcissists look at things differently than the rest of us do.
Their thoughts are guided by their emotions.
I know, I know, it doesn’t seem that way because they mask it.
That’s the whole thing about narcissism - it’s a mask.
They run on emotions, which is why they’re unable to express them. They push them down, and as a result, their emotions run amok within them through their behaviors and their lack of ability to control their responses in an appropriate and conducive manner.
Their beliefs are not run on logic or reason. They are driven by emotion.
This doesn’t mean they lack the capacity for logic, rationale, and reason, but rather; that these are not their baseline when their emotions flare up.
This often causes their perception of things to be very, very different from other people’s.
They view everything through the lens of feeling, and their feelings are generally negative, out of control, and even frightening to themselves.
Narcissists Scare Themselves
This causes their perceptions and experiences to become negative and frightening to them.
They believe that their feelings are facts. They genuinely believe that if they feel something, it must be true, irrespective of whether it makes sense or if they have any evidence to support it.
Most people realize that feelings are not dependable. They often make no sense, they’re sometimes irrational and they are certainly not facts.
Most of us realize that high emotion can alter perception and that events viewed through the lens of emotion are often not viewed correctly.
Narcissists do not understand this.
They experience things exactly the opposite way:
Events viewed through the lens of emotion are altered in order to fit the emotion.
If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively, no matter what it is.
If you’re smiling, you “must” be laughing at them.
If you brought them a sandwich or offered to share your food, there “must” be something wrong with it.
Even things you did in the past that were OK at the time are now viewed through this lens and found to be “evil”.
Example:
Yesterday, you were washing dishes together and laughing, having fun. No unkind words were said, there were no problems at all. Today, they see it as they were only helping you wash dishes yesterday because you forced theam to do it so you can laugh at how much of a slave they are.
The Narcissist’s "Truth" Changes With Their Emotions
When they are angry, you are ‘bad’ and they hate you. You also hate them (in their mind) and are horribly cruel and evil.
When they are happy, you are ‘good’ and they love you. You also love them (or at least don’t hate them) and are not mean to them.
You see, it has nothing to do with actual reality or anything you are actually doing. It is based on unreasonable, irrational and faulty perceptions.
Instead of being seen as an individual human being with your own feelings, you are simply seen as a walking mirror of the narcissist’s feelings about themselves.
Why We Still Try To EXPLAIN
Because of this hugely divergent way of seeing things, people who are negotiating with a narcissist often find themselves examining for a way to bridge the gap.
They find themselves constantly explaining to the narcissist that the narcissist’s perception is incorrect or faulty, that the narcissist is adding the wrong things together or coming to ludicrous conclusions based on things that aren’t real, weren’t said, or didn’t happen.
This is understandable.
Rational adults speaking to other adults are going to use reason and logic to try to get their point across. What else is there to do? This usually works in most people’s lives. Compromises are reached, points are made, life goes on…
Here’s The Trouble
The trouble comes when you find yourself dealing with a seemingly-normal, cognizant person who, five minutes ago was speaking with you like a reasonable, intelligent adult and who now cannot understand even a basic point you are trying to make or simple words you are saying.
Worse, they seem to have misunderstood you terribly and are now angry, upset and offended. So what do you do?
As a rational, reasonable person, you try to explain. In most situations, this would be the right thing to do. With narcissists, it is the exact wrong thing.
In actuality, there’s been no misunderstanding. At least, not one of the kind most people believe.
The misunderstanding is not from you to the narcissist. It is within the narcissist themselves.
They did not hear you wrong.
They did not misunderstand what you said.
What happened was that they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you.
It really has nothing to do with you at all.
It never did
When you brought them that sandwich, your motive was simply to do something nice and give them a sandwich.
They didn’t misunderstand that because they did not consider that.
They don’t care what your motive is.
Not really.
It’s all about what is happening in their ‘internal’ landscape.
All they are hearing in their inner dialogue is:
"You’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re garbage, you’re worthless, no one loves you, they are all laughing at you, they don’t care about you..."
You just get caught in the crossfire.
You can try to explain that your motives are not negative, that you don’t hate them, you don’t think they’re garbage, or whatever else… but the narcissist has been listening to this internal dialogue their entire life and they are completely and utterly convinced of it.
They’re never going to believe you…
They’re not even going to hear you.
Ever notice that it seems like they are listening—and responding—to someone else when you’re talking?
Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying
That’s because they are.
Narcissists expect to be treated badly because of this very thing.
They therefore look for evidence of it in every single thing other people do. And of course, they find it, mostly because they push and provoke and harass and refuse to accept anything else.
They Must Always Have A Villain
If the villain isn’t you, it will have to be them and if that’s true, then it means that everything that voice says to them is right.
Don’t forget, narcissism is nothing but a defense mechanism against that little voice.
That little voice says they are evil, horrible, disgusting vomit on the ground, so in self-defense, the narcissist creates a false self that is the total opposite of that:
A hero, in other words.
However, someone has to be evil, because all that hurt and bile and anger and bitterness has to go somewhere.
So it has to be you.
You were once the hero, when the narcissist first met you and you were perfect, and you were going to save them and make everything great. But you revealed yourself as a “lowly human with no special powers” and worse:
You revealed that they are a lowly human with no special powers, either.
So you’re now the villain in this story and you can never be anything else.
Their disorder is set up so perfectly that exactly the things they need to hear and understand in order to change are exactly the things they are programmed to deny and block out the most.
It’s really sad, when you think about it.
Because of that blind spot, they simply self-destruct over and over and over again.
They are some of the most miserable people alive, and they walk around their entire lives never realizing they are doing it all to themselves.
There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.
What To do Instead
When the narcissist accuses you of something that isn’t true, or when they have their "misunderstandings," simply tell them that they are entitled to their opinion and leave it at that.
You can say, "I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you’re entitled to your opinion," or "I disagree with that, but you are entitled to your feelings."
There is no reason to get bogged down in semantics about what was actually said and how it was said, or the ulterior motives that you don’t really have or any of that because it is a waste of time.
It goes nowhere and it never ends.
